Oriented

For the first time since I was 24 I am ORIENTED.

24 found me in downtown San Francisco, where my mother landed me through buying me a ticket to see my friends there, which she lied about to my father I FINALLY have realized.

My friends didn’t want to see me.  It was a few days before Thanksgiving.  They left for work.  I wandered downtown I guess, or maybe they dropped me off.  I got completely lost.  Suddenly I found myself with a new mad skill–an indefatigable sense of direction which got me back to her house.  (Sally Gibbons of my recent post on interruptedpoet.com.)

Finally, in invisible tears, from Sally and Ty’s living room, I called my parents to ask for a  return flight, which infuriated them (supposedly I had booked the flight there when in fact my mother had foolishly booked it for me instead of telling me stay put you need a job.)  The evening return flight cost 300$, which was a lot of money back then.

This was the breaking point in the terrifying spiral that led me from lying down in the street by a bus stop to checking into a psych ward in Cambridge and then, through a suicide attempt that led to the state hospital.

FINALLY i have found that “DISCONNECT” which I have mentioned in other blogging.  The lie.  My mother’s lie.  Oh God, all along I should have figured, I’ve searched everywhere in that almost fatally difficult bad time for exact point, and, together with some other things I’ve finally put together in my head this knowledge sets me free.From a quest of exactly 30 years and leaves me actually in not a bad place.  I have rested for four years here very carefully in my mother’s and father’s lap, together with my son, and we, my son and I, have forged a better bond (so far.)

I think that, ever since being stranded in downtown San Francisco I have been trying to find my way back from California.  My husband gave me the ride, by separate cars closely following and through a tunnel of trucks after Indiana (with a little mad skill assistance from my husband) at 8 months pregnant.  I was totally disoriented when we got to Buffalo and now I’m finally finding my way.  22 1/2 years later.  I see nothing but a BEAUTIFUL CONTINUUM, a life to be treasured.  (I still have to work out the clan of the cat element.)

Problem is, my son is now at that same stage.  I can only pray.  I have faith he’ll fly.

 

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