On Another Note–an anniversary

My mom and dad’s anniversary falls in early August, along with my brother’s birthday.

I am usually aware of my brother’s birthday but always space out on their anniversary; I was always returning to school at that time in my youth.  As with my mother’s birthday, I was always returning to school for that too, I get left out even when I’m around now.

Anyway two years ago I completely forgot that it was their anniversary.  So it wasn’t consciously deliberate that that was the day I chose to or anyway, did, take an overdose that proved to be by far the worst time of it I had had.

It was a minor overdose I thought.  I lost control; I had been taking ice tea, and cigarettes, with a sense of helplessness:  I kept returning to the corner store to buy more and more.  Then I randomly grabbed pills that were handy and took some; it turned out that the tricyclic antidepressants are a danger to you heart, even a small amount.  So I asked about getting my stomach pumped (I remained fully conscious the whole time.}  The doctor said they don’t do that anymore, just charcoal, so I took the charcoal.

The whole episode was crazy and I became dangerously insane.  This I haven’t written about in detail here and I won’t now.

I’m just here to say that this is another bad anniversary, like July 4th, coming up, and I will be coping with it.  I mention the charcoal because it led to a crazy situation given my poor bowel function and there IS a cat element here, my mother’s/son’s cat Dapples, an orange, dappled tabby with no tail, and declawed, chose to keep company with me when I was sitting on the back porch of my parents’ home, late at night, smoking cigarettes, and about to start howling like an animal.  Everyone else and the other cat were all afraid of me.  (Dapples saved my life.)

No wonder the gallons of ice tea I’ve been drinking.  This is a morbid post, sorry, but I’m going to be dealing with this for awhile as I’ve been blocking it out until now, still on a trajectory away from it.  Unfortunately my son’s troubles began, as far as I can see, during a ride home with him from one of the three hospitals I went to for this one incident.  We had a conversation and he listened to me and he shouldn’t have.  About the girlfriend.  Oh God.  I know I can’t blame myself but I wish to God I hadn’t done it.  It makes me ANGRY at myself.

……Writing this post gave me a chance to repent of it.



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