Got the whole sitch figured OUT.
The girl dreaming of going out forgetting to put her underwear on, was the inner me. I’m older and wiser now, and dream with my pants on.
My mother had the same dream, don’t know whether she shed it as an adult, or not.
My father has Asperger’s syndrome, which is attenuated autism. According to my recent new therapist (whom I have had to stop seeing because she couldn’t tolerate my coming in without a shower,) who was the one who said this about my father almost immediately. She is extremely intuitive and a gifted therapist, and I had enough of her to finish my psychoanalysis. She said Bill Gates has Asperger’s also. So I didn’t mind mentioning it to my mother and Dad.
So I call them. My mother, on the other hand, is a psychopath. In all seriousness, this does exist. Her brother was odd, over-emotional, and was hospitalized throughout his adult life. She, on the other hand, laughs inappropriately, often, and also cries inappropriately, not knowing why. I believe they both suffer (past tense for my uncle, he passed away at 50) from “English brain rot.” Something bred in all that fog and dew. And rain, rain, rain. In my mother’s case, hitting up against America at 20, and then saddled with two kids, and having an ego, and trying to defend it, it turned psychpathic. I have a mixture of their symptoms; my brother and sister both escaped the Asperger’s, my sister has some of the psychopathy. Overall, with everything taken together I am probably a sociopath. A curable one.
Anyway, in addition to all this, or possibly because of it, they never learned to distinguish animal “mating” from human sexuality. This would be a philosophical matter with my father, who saw us as humans as entirely a progression from the ape. But I don’t think they really understood about human courtship, about higher love. I think that they were doing it like animals when they made me.
I take my brother’s abandoned rape attempt when I was about 12, looking back, as instruction in human mating. My brother is very human. He taught me how to have sex,which I would need to know. As far as Seiji goes, it didn’t seem strange or bad to me at all, at the time, what I did. Mating like animals turns into sexually inappropriate behaviour with animals. And in the end I realized, in leaving off posting yesterday, that it wasn’t ever really about Seiji, it was about going out undressed that destroyed me with the Dove crowd and everybody else too. These things get around at Hutton, an intensely social place (like many universities.)
Problem solved. I don’t know what anybody else thinks but as far as I think, I am reinstated into the human family, and I can go where I want. Which was the issue all along. In my ill, paranoid, and dislocated condition NOBODY would have me.
My son and I had a good talk last night. We talked for the first time. It was wonderful. What could be better than this?
I remain ecstatic.
My vision is complete.
clan of the cat 